042809: Mature.

Don't you like how some words are more than just one kind of word? Like how mature is both an adjective and a verb.

I am mature.
I am maturing.

This entire blog is going to revolve around how I'm growing up. It will revolve around quotes I have created or gathered, along with analysis of said quotes.

Unhealthy/healthy. I am getting rid of and have gotten rid of the unhealthy things and people in my life. No bad substances, no bad people. That leaves me with a clean body and a clean mind/heart. Funny, because this entire year thus far (as in 2009, so the past 4 months) I have tried to BE healthy. That means, I took medicine, I took my migraine pills, I drank milk and I ate daily. Granted, it was not consistent the entire 4 month period, but I had probably at most a week break in that 4 month stretch where I broke the healthy-run. What ended up happening? I got sick, I had a cough that would never go away, I was constantly in physical pain, I got migraines and I developed a disorder. Taking on healthy activities, habits and consuming healthy is NOT the only key to living and being healthy. It just totally conflicted with the unhealthy things in my life, thus causing a contrasting front that ultimately could have left me dying of a panic attack. Not. Cool. So I got rid of it. And now here I am, feeling like a little less than nothing. But completely breathing, attentive to my hunger and respectful of my body. Not once did I say changing to be healthy was going to be an easy process. Every now and again, I wonder if I miss that unhealthy thing. Every now and again, I have a severe attack of insomnia. Every now and again, I have a mild panic attack. But you know what? I FEEL good. Although my physical health is questionable, my emotional health is strong again. Strong. Something I have not felt in over half a year. I forgot how amazing this feels. And I never want to forget it again. I am finally taking care of myself. Isn't that what everyone wanted from me? Well, here it is. I get rid of the unhealthy and take on the healthy.

This is right. Plain and simple. What I am doing, is right. I have no more doubts. I wonder no more. It doesn't matter what you think, what he thinks, what she thinks. This. Is. Right. I can't really break it down any more than that. I will not doubt myself this time. I will not go back and I will not repeat the cycle. I will break free. I will be liberated.

Music soothes where friends fail. When no one else can help me with what I'm going through, some talented song writer will have put just what I felt into the perfect words. They have this uncanny, innate ability to put feelings into words. Add a tune to it, and you have a beautiful piece of art called music. Music is what I want to hear but never heard before. Music is what calms me down. Music gives better advice than any human can, to be honest. Music is one of the most unique forms of expression, and it is the only thing that won't makae me cry.

Finally, the hardest part of moving on is letting go. We all know that I have a hard time letting go. Is it because I'm overly attached and needy, or is it because I care too much to let a good thing go bad? Most would say the former. I would have to say I honestly do not know. I am not surprised, however, that the majority of my friends would say the former. I feel as though oxytocin is produced from my brain as the outcome of ANY friendship. I feel like my brain mass produces it and uses it out of context. I have a hard time letting go because I love people. I hate to admit it, but I love people. I love making people smile and I love when it is reciprocated. I don't like the idea of walking past someone and having to think to myself "do I look? do I say hi? do I wave? do I smile? do I acnkowledge them? do I try to talk to them? do I catch up? or do I do the complete opposite of everything?" I hate thinking "I remember when I used to be so close with that person... I remember when..." and begin reminscing. Alone. I want to reminisce with them. I love sitting with friends or family and just going in circles saying "remember when...?" and laughing. Add to the story and go on with the next memory. I am sentimental. I hold on to the past that I remember because I'm afraid I'll never feel the same way again. I don't understand why friendships and relationships have to end. I don't understand why everyone can't get along. I don't understand why people can't be friends after breaking up. I don't understand why people hurt other people. I can HONESTLY say, I never understood the ends of anything that once made you smile. But I have had to live through numerous experiences of that because that is the way the world works, regardless of whether I understand it or not. The world is going to keep working that way, no matter what. I have to learn to live with it, or quickly find a reason for it. I try everyday to find a reason. I just can't seem to do it. I need to let go to be healthy. So whether or not I want to do this, I have to do this. I never get what I want.

I just want to be happy.