050209: Timing.

Since the day I was born, my timing has either been perfectly spot on or way the fuck off.

My favorite number is 11. For a few stupid reasons: I was born on September 11 at 7:11AM. On my 11th birthday, the twin towers were attacked.

Right now my biggest annoyance would be my inability to be on the same page as those surrounding me. When I am in a good mood, everyone is in a bad mood. When I am feeling productive, everyone is feeling lazy. When I want to run, everyone wants to walk. For however long my good streak lasts is however long everyone's bad streak lasts. When I want to stay in, everyone wants to go out. When I follow through, everyone bails. When I am positive, everyone is negative. When I love, everyone hates. When I whisper, everyone yells. When I want to smile, everyone wants to frown. When I want to laugh, everyone wants to cry. When I'm awake, everyone is asleep. When I am feeling like sleep, someone needs me to stay up and listen. I haven't the heart to turn down a needy friend.

[It's been 11 days since I've gone to sleep before 4AM. Today, I forced myself to sleep for 11 hours (which, by the way, was completely unnecessary and more so painful than it was relaxing or restful). 11. 11. 11. A number of no specific significance. Just a number that I relate so many quantities to.]

Nothing has ever gone in opposites in my favor. It has never been, when I want to talk, everyone wants to listen. It has never been, when I fall, everyone catches. It has never been, when I want to write, everyone wants to read.

Now, just as I'm finally feeling good about myself again, everyone feels the need to feel like complete and utter SHIT. To be honest, I can't blame them, either. It's their life, their own stuff happens. I can't expect them to suck it up and be happy just cause I'm finally happy. But it would also be a lie if I said it's not a major fucking buzz kill.

I. Want. To. Be. Alone.

I want to be locked up in a room for the next three weeks with books (novels, not textbooks), stationary, envelopes, stamps, pens, pencils, composition books, iPod and crayons. I want to walk out of that room, ace all my finals and move out of Apartment 9. I want to go home and I want to see the most amazing people in the world--my family & baby Timmy. I want to then go to the house of my favorite person--my cousin. I then want to go out to breakfast with my favorite girl--Ashley G. Zapien. Then I want to go to lunch with the best friend I ever had, and the most real person I know--Kevin B. King. I want to go to dinner with my favorite boy--Kevin A. Schaefer.

I want to see people like Mike J. Delaria, Alex E. Hedstrom, Andrew Hedstrom, Kevin Andrade, Jeff Greenan, Gage Ramirez, Kameron Qureshi, Andrew Duenez.

In the meantime, I will be a recluse. Since my timing here is so poor, I want to save the best of me--this good mood, this positive attitude, this healthy being, this smile--for the people who will appreciate it.

I'm not saying the people in Long Beach aren't appreciative. I'm not saying that the people in Long Beach are fake or anything of the sort. It would just be refreshing to return to the people who bring out the best of the best in me for a while. I'm already in a state in my life where my health is starting to fail me. I've reached and surpassed the point in my life where I need to care about myself.

If you want to reach me, I'm not sure how you're going to be able to, to be honest. The chances of me answering my phone or replying to texts from people I care little to nothing about are slim, if any at all. The chances of me even carrying my phone on me at all times anymore is slim, if any at all. The chances of me replying on Facebook, signing onto AIM, checking my Myspace--all slim, if you haven't already gotten the picture. I know this is the complete opposite of my normal mindset, which is to be easily reachable and accessible, available to listen at all hours of all days, and to ALWAYS be there for anyone and everyone. But what better way to put it, other than:

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING BEING SO FUCKING NEGATIVE.

And I just want to appreciate my own happiness, even if I have to do that alone.
IDCWYT. CONSISTENCY.

Estoy muy contenta y alegre. Y no hay nada que tu puedes hacer acerca de que.